Sunday, May 7, 2017

Pets for Panicky Pilots

In an effort to meet non-discriminatory standards in aviation, the FAA has endorsed emotional support animals for pilots that are scared of flying. Chairman of the FAA, Mike P. Hurtya, announced yesterday that aviation must be more inclusive and that it needs to attract all sorts of people into its ranks.

Although the take-up is expected to be small, a new psychological study may swell the numbers of emotionally-challenged student pilots. The Center for Error Research of Stupid Pilots on Landing and Take-off (C.E.R.S.P.L.A.T.) believes that a higher level of anxiety in the cockpit may improve safe flying.

They are funding Ab Initio courses for the first one hundred students who apply. These will be asked to bring their pets with them on the course, and must first prove that they are highly unstable without them.

Not one to miss an opportunity, Bryanair's CEO, Michael O'Really, Said, “I think this is a great idea. We are ready to welcome these new pilots and have plenty of room in the cockpit for pets as they can sit on the jump-seats. In fact, I think some nervous passengers might find comfort in knowing that the pilot is more scared of flying than they are.”

Pilots at Bryanair are already referring to the cockpit as the “Poop-Deck”.

O'Really added, “I believe we may even be able to move some of these pets into the First Officer's seat. Chimpanzees have been pilots for NASA and they would probably be over-qualified to fly, say, an MD88 or MD90.”

Monday, August 22, 2016

Booker Prize Twits

From our literary critic, Tarquin Merryweather


I cannot even bring myself to name this year's winner of the Booker Prize for Fiction, as I believe the judges for this once prestigious award have stupidly overlooked some extremely more deserving writers. I myself expected that my latest book - "Gone With the Wind" - a thriller about a secret agent battling a crippling case of flatulence, would feature in the top five books.

As the "winner" looked incredulously at the audience with his award in his sweaty hand, his eyes betrayed a feeling of unworthiness. It was as if he knew that a more substantial rival had been overlooked. A rival book resembling a Tsunami that in open sea can pass by unnoticed but will at some point hit the shallower coastal regions, and hopefully, the shallower minds of the judges with tremendous force. 

What had transpired early in the judging process? Conspiracy theories abound that in the smokey judges' den some transaction had taken place. I noticed a wry smile on one of their smug faces. I had to find out. I turned sharply, too sharply, and knocked a glass of champagne over a fellow reporter's lap.

Running like the wind, I made my way towards the judges, and like a polished magician's trick, they were no longer there, but expertly whisked away from the venue by their bodyguards. I looked down at their table hoping to find a clue regarding their strange decision for the award. It was a mystery, a mystery that I was determined to solve. I straightened my tie and headed for the door.

Mr. Merryweather has agreed to take a rest from his reporter's desk for a few months.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Six Sci-Fi Inventions with Major Issues

Sci-fi films promise a wonderful world of fantastic inventions. So what is the problem? Well, there may be troubling issues beyond the obvious that explain, for example, why humans may never queue up to be disassembled in a transporter buffer. A closer look at the issues with some of science fiction's favorite inventions might prove enlightening.

1. Magnetic Boots

"What is my motivation?" Youtube

Magnetic boots are extremely useful if you want to move painfully slowly on board a spacecraft that has lost its artificial gravity. Usually, though, you might use them anchor yourself to the exterior of a ship in order to destroy Borgs or other alien party crashers.


The Issues


When Warf said, rather excitedly (for him), "Assimilate this," he must have been thankful that he was wearing his Himalayan Magnetic Walking Boots. The problem is that he could only have been saved by his belief that they were keeping him stuck to the hull of the Enterprise. Unless the hull were made of iron or steel, and not titanium, aluminum, or other space-worthy material, he would probably end his days as space junk.

It is possible that, in the future, some now-unknown magnetic material will be found that is also compatible with spacecraft construction. The more important point is: is there even a need for magnetic boots?

Seasoned astronauts, those tough people that are born for space, are never happier than when they are scooting along a corridor in zero g. Surely everyone has seen them performing somersaults and throwing each other like midgets. When they need to stand "upright," they can slip their feet into little straps on the floor.

As for any extra-vehicular activity, NASA has had the manned maneuvering unit (MMU) for some 30 years. George Clooney was quite adept at using it in Gravity. Those Borgs wouldn't stand a chance.

Why not use Velcro floors and hulls if you just want to walk?

2. Internally Illuminated Space Helmet

The internally illuminated space helmet has been especially popular in the Star Trek franchise. A device that illuminates the wearer's face has been invented because, presumably, in space it is important that everyone can see you scream even if they can't hear you.

 "I can't see a flipping thing." Youtube

The Issues

Try this: go out into the dark, to an unfamiliar place in the woods or on a rocky trail near the edge of a mountain. You know, just the sort of unfamiliar surroundings space explorers in films go to all the time. And then shine a torch into your own face. See how long it takes before you find yourself face down in the dirt.

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for this invention. Not only is it virtually impossible to see outside the helmet, but the wearer also has to contend with reflections of the lights that are already blinding him.

The only reason these are in the movies is so that everyone can see the Oscar-winning facial expressions of the actors. Now, someone could object that astronauts need to be identified in the darkness of space for purposes of communication and direction. So how difficult is it to build a light on top of the helmet with a different color for each astronaut? There could even be a variety of illuminated emoticons on the exterior of the helmets to communicate emotions more accurately than the actors themselves.

Many real space helmets already come with lights on the outside. Get it? The outside.

3. Teleporter

Star Trek - Enterprise D Transporter

The new scientific discovery of Quantum Entanglement makes teleportation of objects and humans a distinct possibility. However, it is slightly different to the method used in Star Trek.

The Issues

If this device becomes a reality, it will require the mass slaughter of humans to work. This invention would not "beam" any bodies, just their information. It would disassemble you while collecting the information to reassemble you somewhere else. Then, presumably, a technician would hose out the goop left at the bottom of the teleportation cubicle after you were "teleported." No cheerful Scottish engineer should be enticing people into one of these things -- even if he offers them a free red uniform.

Although messy, what if this procedure were to work? Would it be you that is teleported? It might have your personality, your body, and your memories, including the moment you got into the teleporter. However, there would be no way of telling whether you, and not an exact copy of you, appeared at the other end. You may have died while turning to goo, and the person presumed to be you is living your life, with your wife or husband, believing itself to be you. By the way, it would tell everyone about this fantastic invention, encouraging them to use it.

4. Android (Robot with Human Appearance)

Many humans have long cherished the dream of creating someone in their image. Usually, reproduction fulfills this desire. However, some robotics scientists want to do this with a box of spare parts.

The Issues

 If an android robot malfunctioned like an android phone, that in itself may be good reason to keep this idea on the drawing board.When Isaac Asimov created the three laws of robotics, he assumed that robots would be perfect. They would perfectly follow his laws and be so safe that they would even sacrifice themselves for their human masters. Welcome to reality: it would be a shame if your android decided to stuff you down the garbage disposal while you were waiting for a Microsoft update. Besides, if Andy the Android becomes a
reality, other social issues would come to light.
"Do you like my beard?" Youtube
Robots that look like humans can be creepy. Researchers have found that when robots look more human-like, any subtle imperfection in appearance or motion becomes repulsive. Therefore, they would need to be almost perfect. But what would that perfect replication say about mankind? Why is it important for robots to look human? Why can't they just look like robots? Eventually, it is likely that companies would produce mostly beautiful female androids and their handsome male counterparts.What impact would that have on human self-image? Is it good that spotty or chubby teenagers should feel even worse about themselves?

5. Warp Drive

Faster-than-light (FTL) warp drive is feasible. It has been a long-held assumption that you can only move through space; however, space itself can move. The universe has been doing this naturally for billions of years, which is why it has been estimated to be 93 billion light years across and only 13 billion years old. Apparently, at its extremities, space-time has been expanding six times faster than the speed of light on average.

The Issues

"Make it so."

For warp drive to work on a starship, an unknown material called "exotic matter" is needed to safely surround the spacecraft with a region of normal space ("flat space") while simultaneously expanding the space behind and destroying the space in front. Picture yourself standing on a moving walkway at an airport, the piece of conveyer belt behind you expanding while the piece in front is contracting. You just stand still until you arrive at the end. The trouble is that nobody knows what this exotic matter looks like.

That enveloping warp bubble would present other problems. Contracting the space in front  would mean squeezing that space and everything in it out of existence. In other words, it would produce a constant "naked singularity" as all the material (dust, atoms) in that space is converted to highly powerful and deadly radiation.

Mankind might explore strange, new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, even go boldly where no one has gone before, but it will fry all these aliens to a crisp before it meets them.

6. The Replicator

"Same again, please." 


The replicator is sci-fi's answer to that guy who pops out of a lamp and grants you three wishes, but with no strings attached and an infinite number of wishes. This piece of hardware can copy or reproduce any item you require, that is, up to certain limits. The Star Trek people realized that this thing could destroy some of their story lines, so they made it impossible to replicate antimatter, dilithium, latinum, or any sort of living organism. Apparently, the replicator's resolution was too low to make that stuff.

The replicator idea has existed for a long time prior to Star Trek. It also appears in Lost in Space (TV) and Forbidden Planet. Writers of these and other stories did not always set limits for their replicators.

 The Issues

There are mind-blowing issues here for Star Trek and for society.

Everyone's favorite money-grabbing Ferengi, Quark, loved latinum because of its rarity. But as latinum is one of those elements that are impossible to replicate, how could he purchase any of it? Presumably, he would use money or gold or anything else that, interestingly, could be replicated. As the Mafia adage says, "Everyone and every rare element has a price."

All bets are off anyway when you don't need the green stuff to get what you want. All economic models crash like an Air-fix airplane thrown out of a bedroom window. What could that mean for any future society?

No one would need to work. Hopefully, people would spend more time reading, writing, and creating works of art. However, many might lead an aimless and greedy life, happy to just replicate whatever they desire. Whatever happens, the shock to organized society would be tremendous.

Some sci-fi inventions, like the internally illuminated space helmet, should never be seen in reality. Others may be impossible to remove from society if they do become real. If you ever find yourself using a teleporter for the first time, it will probably be OK. Manufacturers wouldn't make anything that is unsafe, would they?

Friday, July 1, 2016

Christopher Walken Voices Anger

Christopher Walken poured out his heart to me yesterday as he revealed that impersonators are ruining his life. In this exclusive interview, we examine the bad impression that impersonators have left on him.

"Walken in Pensive Mood"

(Painting by David Grant)

He told me how upsetting things have become recently.

He said, "To illustrate, the other day I was listening to the voice messages on my phone. One of them was my voice reminding myself to get some more dawg food. I was in the local store for an hour before I remembered - hey I don't have a dawg. It's craazy."

I asked him that apart from other people leaving him reminders in his own voice, what else was happening?

He said, "No one believes that it's me when I call them. I mean, I could be dying of a heart attack, but if I rang 911, all I would hear would be laughter."

I asked him what he thought of impressionists like Jay Mohr and Kevin Pollak.

"I count them as two of my closest friends. I have to get Jay to call my agent for me sometimes as he has the only voice that she believes is genuine. Kevin helped me recently by driving me home when I was straanded."

"I too ... wish to ask you a question. Do you think it's funny that people mimic me all the time?" He was pleased when I assured him that I take a dim view of people mocking celebrities.

I finished the interview by suggesting that a new law making vocal fraud illegal would help. "That's a great idea ... WOW!" he said.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Confirmed: Real Life is a Simulation

The world is coming to terms with the discovery that everything we have ever known is only a simulation in some tremendous computer system. To be honest, I am not even sure why I am writing this article or even if it is me writing this article.

A Coved Streetscape

 Where is the Cheatbook?


Physicists found out the unpalatable truth while trying to create the Higgs Boson. Last Wednesday after racking up the particle speed to number eleven on the dial, an amazing thing occurred: the resulting particle trails spelled out, “Congratulations, you have now reached level 2, use your hidden charm lance and sword of strangeness with caution.”  

The amazing design we see in nature is now explainable, but it leaves the question of what is the ultimate reality? Is our universe on the hard drive of some computer geek, or even worse, on some spotty teenager's Nintendo Wii in a higher universe?

Further particle trails have revealed that our Universe is a game called Ultimate Simiverse. The big bang was just the last time the game was started. Because the “electronic” computations are occurring so fast in this game, the thousands of millions of years that have passed in our time-stream are only a couple of hours to our gaming masters.

Long meetings between politicians and scientists have produced a new theory of life. We are advised to be careful when we suspect that we are experiencing contrived events. Oh, and by the way, they suggest that we  try to be as interesting as possible so that our universe is not turned off. 

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Raikkonen Leads Charm Offensive

 Kimi took his costume to the end of fifty takes (left)

Formula One driver, Kimi Raikkonen, will be fronting the latest advertising campaign for Ferrari. Contrary to popular opinion, he can be a funny guy, and he will be using his humor in a series of TV commercials.

I was on the set where he is filming to find out for myself just what kind of advertising goldmine Ferrari have found in Kimi. I asked him how he is finding his new role at Ferrari.

He said, "I don't know. They brought me here today to put me into a chicken costume. I tell you later."

Ferrari's first advert features their new car, "La Ferrari". Kimi gets into the car in his chicken outfit. The voice-over asks, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Then Kimi replies, "To drive the Ferrari."

He kept in constant radio contact with the TV crew thru an earpiece. When they asked him to keep cool to prevent the costume degrading with sweat, he said, "I know, I know. You worry about the lights. Don't bother me."

There were about fifty takes before Kimi nailed it. Two camera lenses were broken when he tried to smile, but after four hours, the crew was happy with the results.

I told Kimi how much I was impressed by his new desire to be in the limelight. However, when I mentioned to him that his continued success in the 2016 season will mean more interviews, adverts, and public relations events, he looked more miserable than usual.

Since his interview, Kimi's form seems to have taken a nosedive.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Chess Computers are not Mates in Reykjavik

A fight has broken out between the two computers who are battling in the World Chess Championship in Reykjavik, Iceland. Not since the days of Fischer and Spassky has there been so much animosity in the world of chess.

Deep Blue II has accused the Russian computer of harassing him during play with instant messages allegedly saying things like, "You stinking Yankee compooda, you are not wery good chess player, ha, ha!"

This is denied by the Russians, who accuse Deep Blue II of playing his music extremely loud the other night to put their computer off.

I asked Deep's human coach, Mark Zugswang, for a comment, and he said, "Look, Deep has been under a great deal of pressure lately, he's recovering from a RAM implant."

When I asked the coach if he thought Deep was a chip off the old block (referring to the original Deep Blue), he confided, "Yes … quite literally, I mean we had to cannibalize his dad to build him."

Deep Blue II was quite forthcoming when I asked him how he relaxed, he said, "I watch a lot of TV, Star Trek, of course, UK Gadget show, and American Idol." I queried why he watched American Idol, he said, "I like to watch something totally brainless to clear my program before a big match."

His Russian counterpart, Simply Red, would only comment, "He is wery, wery bad compooda”

Friday, April 29, 2016

English Professor Threatens BBC over "Them"

Professor Finn L. Straw is threatening to blow up one of the BBC's broadcasting masts if his demands are not met. The drama began last night as this publication went to press. His protest concerns the BBC's use of the word "Them" instead of "Those" and the pronunciation of the letter "Aitch" as "Haitch".

He states that the BBC has failed in its duty as guardian of the English language. He says in his letter, "It makes me cringe now when I hear broadcasters actually saying 'Haitch' to appease the ignorant. Some of them sound even more ridiculous when they know it is wrong but try to pronounce a half-hearted version of 'Haitch'. A line must be drawn in the sand, this far and no further."

"In addition, now almost everybody says "Them" instead of "Those". Is it any wonder when football commentators say things like: Them Germans are playing out of their skins.???"

The professor claims to have strapped explosives to a BBC mast, but its whereabouts are being kept secret by the police. He has a remote detonating device, and his location is unknown.

Police Deputy Inspector, Kerr Boom, told me, "We had a similar case with a professor last year. He chained himself to a large piece of luggage at Heathrow Airport. Unfortunately, he was mistakenly loaded onto a flight to China."

Professor Straw's demands include English examinations for ex-footballer commentators before they are allowed near a microphone, and the use of electric cattle prods on anyone saying "Haitch".

Inspector Boom concluded by saying, "Don't worry, I have had extensive experience as a criminal negotiator, and am in contact with Professor Straw by phone. My only concern is for them residents in the area."

An Artist's Impression of the Explosive Device

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Apologies to my Readers

I am sorry that there have not been any posts for some time now. This is because I have been busy writing for There will be more posts here soon. In addition, some may be in the cracked style, focusing on real events etc. I will be experimenting on you with this new style from time to time.

Thanks, and hang in there!

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Airliner Zapped with Shrink Ray over Area 51

A top secret experiment went terrifyingly wrong yesterday when an A330 airliner was accidentally hit by a classified "Field Energy Device" over Area 51. The airliner was shrunk to a one-hundredth of its original length. In this video, we see the happy outcome when the captain managed to land his airliner in an abandoned parking lot. 

Tricky Landing

Captain G. Willikers was almost paralyzed with surprise when it happened.

"Everything around us suddenly became huge. We lost communication because our signal was too weak," said Willikers.

The quick-thinking pilot diverted the plane from its flight to McCarran International, Las Vegas. "I couldn't take the risk of them not seeing me visually or even with radar. Plus, any wake-turbulence might have flipped us over."

He decided to put his aircraft down on a clear piece of concrete as soon as possible. The Airbus performed a missed approach but managed to land successfully on the second attempt. "Remember, I had no ILS (Instrument Landing System) available to me, and all the visual cues were wrong. People looked like skyscrapers," he said.

A spokesperson for the top secret facility in Nevada, Mr. I. Manalien said, "Of course we cannot go into details, but we believe the effects should wear off in a few days and the passengers along with the aircraft should revert to their normal size."

The Airbus is being relocated quickly to a hanger at a nearby airport. The crew and passengers are staying, for the moment, in a local schoolgirl's dolls house.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Guy Trapped in Bear Suit is not Amused

Johnny Noxious, the famous practical joker, has just survived three days trapped in a bear suit when his zipper broke. This hilarious footage of him was shot by two holidaymakers in Yellowstone National Park.

"I was pretty punchy by this point."

Not usually the butt of the joke, he and his butt became part of the joke when he was finally brought down by a tranquilizer dart. He is recuperating at the Emergency Proctology Center in San Fransisco.

"My buddy zipped me into the suit and was supposed to keep an eye on me, but he lost me when I mingled with a group of bears. I couldn't make myself heard because the bear suit muffled my voice so that it sounded like I was growling," he said.

He has been surviving on handouts from sightseers who mistook his frantic waving for playfulness.

"Couldn't they tell it was a costume? Look how moth-eaten it is. I tell you, there were times when I almost ended it all by throwing myself on the electric fence. You can imagine how much it smelled in there after three days. Everything went black when they shot that gigantic dart into my a**."

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

FAA Endorses Anti-Drone Missiles

The FAA is taking decisive action against illegal incursions by drones into restricted airspace. Mike P. Hurtya, the new man in charge of the administration, is planning to get tough on wayward drones and their operators.

"Destroy with Extreme Prejudice."

Mr. Hurtya was a USAF ace in the Vietnam war. "Friendly Fire" as he was nicknamed by his squadron, built a reputation for downing a large number of unidentified planes during that conflict. When I interviewed him in his office, he said, "Now that Japan has taken the lead in physically removing offending drones with hunter drones, I believe that we should go a step further. My aim is to equip every airliner in this country with air to air missiles specifically designed to destroy these UAVs with extreme prejudice."

This will mean of course that every Airline Pilot in the country will attend Top Gun training. The FAA will incorporate this into the normal simulator sessions that are a regular routine for all Airline Pilots. The most popular jets will have weapon systems fitted first, followed by others which will include the MD 80 and 90 series.

The missiles are powerful enough to completely vaporize any drone, as there must be no falling debris in built-up areas. There have been a few mishaps with early testing. "One of the missiles got away from us," said Hurtya while laughing, "The Drone Lock-On System caused it to take out a Toys R Us store." The store was completely obliterated, but no one was hurt as it occurred on a Sunday.

One excited Pilot who flies for Alpha Airlines, Jerry Nelson, said, "I'm looking forward to the low level flying that we will need to perform to chase these varmints." Apparently, the firing button will be located next to the Autopilot switch on most airliners.

Fly the Mad Dog T-Shirt
Fly the Mad Dog T-Shirt by SloganCity
Design a photo t-shirt online at

Monday, February 1, 2016

New TV Sitcom "Gervais" to Hit Screens

Ricky Gervais is paying homage to the hit show Seinfeld by bringing out his own version. He loves the show so much that he is emulating its "White Glove" approach to comedy. He said that this project provides the challenge he has been seeking for some time now. Don't expect any swearing in his new show.

The Gervais pilot will be aired this Fall on HOB. "It will be fantastic," he says, " It's set in London and not New York but there are similarities. Karl Pilkington will be playing the Kramer character who drops in every now and then for a mindless chat and to give me advice on DIY." Ricky wants Ashley Jensen from Extras to play the Elaine character on the show.

Gervais, the TV and film producer, director, actor, writer and stand-up comedian who is often described as a one-trick pony, says that he is really excited about his new project.

"In this new show, Steven Merchant and myself are struggling comedy writers," says Gervais, "I play a stand-up comedian, but Steve has plenty of different jobs, just like George Costanza."

He says that in the show hilarious things will be happening to him, Steve and Karl all the time, but when their characters try to write comedy, they can't think of anything funny.

When I asked him if he thinks Karl will be OK in the show, he just stroked his beard and said with a wink, "Yeah, he might find acting like a buffoon a real challenge."

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Microsoft Flight Simulator Could Save Your Life

Magazine Section > Editorial

YouTube - Microsoft  Flight Simulator in Action

Have you ever wondered what you would do if both pilots on your flight were incapacitated by the same airline meal? Could you step up to the plate and bring this baby down safely? Do you know what ILS, VOR and a Stabilized Approach mean?

Well, Microsoft Flight Simulator can teach you to answer yes, yes and yes to all those questions. For example, in this game you could be landing a jumbo jet at JFK while talking to ATC. At the end of your flight, I guarantee that you will be laughing like a maniac.

Many enthusiasts have turned rooms in their homes into full cockpit simulators, with their spouses reluctantly acting as flight attendants or co-pilots. This is not necessary. All you really need is a computer, a joystick and pedals (for helicopter flying or yaw control).

There are many add-ons  available online. Many of these are free, and include extra scenery or aircraft and even special effects such as fire and explosions. Although those effects might not be the best choice when learning to land an airplane safely.

You can take the journey from Student Pilot to Airline Pilot in a matter of weeks. You can even join a virtual airline. At some stage you may start looking around for an Airline Pilot uniform. This may be an indication to you to get a real life. Many flight simmers turn their hands to other aspects of virtual flying and become virtual Air Traffic Controllers, for example. Sadly, the burn-out rate for them is high. Because of that, there is an increasing demand for virtual Air Accident Investigators.

It is comforting to realize that the sky is full of brave men and women who are prepared to wrestle with the controls of a real airliner for the first time and attempt a landing. You could be one of them.

Fly the Mad Dog T-Shirt
Fly the Mad Dog T-Shirt by SloganCity
Design a photo t-shirt online at

Friday, January 8, 2016

Famous “Detective” Arrested for Insurance Fraud

Mr. Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street, London, is being questioned by police over Life Insurance fraud allegations. He is accused of faking his own death for monetary gain.

Mr. Holmes enjoyed a cult following as a private consultant, and has even helped the London Metropolitan Police Force on various murder investigations. After falling from the roof of a building over two years ago, Holmes reappeared, even though many witnessed his burial. His “partner”, Dr John Watson, writes a famous blog about him that has become viral.

Their Landlady, Mrs Hudson said, “Sherlock and John were two nice lads. They made a lovely couple. They were inseparable, you know.” Watson, the author of a blog post entitled “A Study in Pink” vehemently denies that he is gay, and says that he and Holmes were just good friends. He told me that Sherlock Holmes cannot be described as gay in any sense of the word.

The Insurance company, Victorian Life & Death, have followed the paper trail of the recipient of the funds, and it has lead to someone within MI6. If this is a scheme to defraud the company, then the Government's involvement could cause a great deal of embarrassment.

Fans of Mr. Watson's blog about Holmes have many theories about his fake death. Many think that there was a mystery man on the roof with Holmes before he fell. Some even think that there was a double fake death involving this man also. Because Mr. Watson was incapacitated at the time, no one knows where this information could have possibly come from.

Mr. Holmes has upset many of his police interrogators by exposing their personal habits through his deductions. He also has a black eye and an injured nose that police say was not their fault, but was caused by a lover's tiff between him and Watson. 

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Tricyclist Vance Armstrong is a Sugar Dope

These Boys were Pronounced "Clean"

Eight year-old Vance Armstrong has finally admitted to sugar doping. The three times winner of the Tour de Cleveland broke down in an interview on The Jeremy Bile Show.

He recalled a shocking history of candy abuse and also named fellow tricyclists who were involved. He said, "Cotton Candy was stuffed inside handle bars. It was perfect because it never showed up at the weigh-in."

"I used to go on holidays to England with my parents to get hold of the good stuff. Cadbury's Dairy Milk Chocolate was legendary, although it was too expensive over here."

He revealed a tawdry list of slumber parties where Snickers bars and Skittles flowed freely. Some of the children ended up with terrible stomach pains and nausea. These side-effects were considered acceptable for the glory of lifting the Yellow Tricycle.

The Head of the Anti-Sugar Doping Body said, "We always catch these cheats in the end. One kid tried to hide a 3 Musketeers under his helmet. Let's just say that the weather conditions were not in his favor."

 Although Armstrong was in tears, he would not admit that he had done anything wrong and believes that the acceptable blood sugar level should be raised. Psychologists say that a child's mind sometimes cannot grasp the difference between right and wrong, but that he should grow out of this mental deficiency as he grows older.

Armstrong ended his TV appearance with his thumb stuck firmly in his mouth. He will have to pay back all of his winnings from his allowance, which may take up to twenty years.

Photo link

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Star Trek Criticized Yet Again

A Varied Group of Klingons

Star Trek skeptic P. R. Snickerty is at it again. His latest book Klingons Could Never Form a Civilization has created uproar among Trekologists. Mr Snickerty, who has a killjoy rating of 9 out of 10 with my colleagues and myself, claims that his book is "well researched".

He says in his book, "The aggressive nature of the Klingon personality would produce a society that viewed a club as high technology. They would never stop killing one another long enough even to develop language, let alone bother to communicate ideas with each other. The Klingon concept of 'Honor' involves elevating themselves by killing a superior. This is not good for social cohesion."

He says, "That is one of the problems you get when you do not have the imagination to create a civilization of diverse personalities. Each Klingon has the same personality as every other Klingon, just as every Romulan has the same pudding bowl haircut."

He couldn't imagine anyone in this warrior race filling the occupations vital for a modern civilization. "Where is the Klingon garbage collector coming from, or the Klingon interior decorator for that matter?"

Of course, the devastating reply to Mr Snickerty is that Warf was different from other Klingons. So with that I say, "Qapla!".

Photo Attribution

Monday, November 30, 2015

Paranoia Epidemic: This Concerns You

Extremely Rare Surveillance Vehicle

Brain scientists estimate that 25 percent of the US population suffer from paranoia. This psychological condition has become widespread due to various causal factors that include mind altering drugs, tracking cookies on computers and even films like The Truman Show.

Experts say that the feelings of persecution that many people experience are totally unfounded. For example, when we surf the web, very often we seem to be followed by advertisements featuring subjects that we have recently researched. This does not mean that companies are out to get us. They only want our money.

A common paranoid fear is that of being followed by a secret government agency. When some individuals see a parked van outside their house, they immediately assume that there are operatives inside the vehicle observing their every move on banks of computers. This is ridiculous because a government expert told me that equipment is currently so small that agents can observe you from an ordinary unmarked car, and you would never know it.

Another way in which paranoia manifests itself in some individuals, is through a false belief that what they see and hear on various media is directed to them personally. Therefore, if you ever get this type of feeling, yes, you with that cup of coffee in your hand, then please do not hesitate to seek psychological help.

There is one final fact that may be of comfort to those who are worried. It is that because 25 percent suffer from paranoia, it is impossible that everyone is out to get you. The real figure can only be 75 percent of the population, tops.

Photo Attribution

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Case of the Missing Sandwich

It has been revealed that Benedict Cumberbatch drilled the cast of Star Trek into Darkness and successfully deduced that his stolen peanut butter and jelly sandwich was taken by Zachary Quinto.

Detective Mug
Detective Mug by SloganCity
Create one-of-a-kind custom coffee cups at Zazzle.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Sylvester Plagiarized Daffy Duck: Deathbed Confession

Sylvester in Happier Times

The reported last words of the well loved actor Sylvester the cat, who died yesterday, have stunned many of his fans. He finally admitted that his voice was modeled on the famous bird star Daffy Duck. He also confessed that many of his routines were lifted from episodes of Tom and Jerry.

Sylvester Felinus, born Archibald Screech in 1925 at Coventry hospital, England, arrived in America in 1944. he thought that by changing his name to Sylvester, he would gain the gravitas needed for a serious acting career. When he revealed his new name to talent scouts, they fell about laughing.

"When he spoke in that cut-glass English accent, well, me and the guys just couldn't hold it together," said one of Hollywood's famous producers, C. Couch. Not wanting the film-going public to poke fun at his native England, Archibald changed his accent to that of Daffy Duck. Couch and others managed to convince him to pursue a career in comedy.

His debut in Life With Feathers brought the house down and gave him a great deal of critical acclaim. "No one could portray quiet frustration like Sylvester," said one critic. The only dissenting voice was that of Daffy himself. "Boy, the spit would fly between him and Daffy," said one of his early colleagues. "You never heard so many Thufferin' Thuccotashes and You're Dithpicables as when they got together."

Contrary to popular belief, He and Tweety were close friends although their wives never got on well together.

After clearing his conscience, he died in the manner that any cartoon cat would envy. Apparently, family and friends say that just as he died, he went stiff as a board, his toes curled up, and the letters "R.I.P." were clearly visible in both eyes.