Paranoia Epidemic: This Concerns You

Extremely Rare Surveillance Vehicle

Brain scientists estimate that 25 percent of the US population suffer from paranoia. This psychological condition has become widespread due to various causal factors that include mind altering drugs, tracking cookies on computers and even films like The Truman Show.

Experts say that the feelings of persecution that many people experience are totally unfounded. For example, when we surf the web, very often we seem to be followed by advertisements featuring subjects that we have recently researched. This does not mean that companies are out to get us. They only want our money.

A common paranoid fear is that of being followed by a secret government agency. When some individuals see a parked van outside their house, they immediately assume that there are operatives inside the vehicle observing their every move on banks of computers. This is ridiculous because a government expert told me that equipment is currently so small that agents can observe you from an ordinary unmarked car, and you would never know it.

Another way in which paranoia manifests itself in some individuals, is through a false belief that what they see and hear on various media is directed to them personally. Therefore, if you ever get this type of feeling, yes, you with that cup of coffee in your hand, then please do not hesitate to seek psychological help.

There is one final fact that may be of comfort to those who are worried. It is that because 25 percent suffer from paranoia, it is impossible that everyone is out to get you. The real figure can only be 75 percent of the population, tops.

Photo Attribution

"MUP Srbije Peugeot Boxer" by Srđan Popović - Own work. 

The Case of the Missing Sandwich

It has been revealed that Benedict Cumberbatch drilled the cast of Star Trek into Darkness and successfully deduced that his stolen peanut butter and jelly sandwich was taken by Zachary Quinto.

Detective Mug by SloganCity
Create one-of-a-kind custom coffee cups at Zazzle.

Sylvester Plagiarized Daffy Duck: Deathbed Confession

Sylvester in Happier Times

The reported last words of the well loved actor Sylvester the cat, who died yesterday, have stunned many of his fans. He finally admitted that his voice was modeled on the famous bird star Daffy Duck. He also confessed that many of his routines were lifted from episodes of Tom and Jerry.

Sylvester Felinus, born Archibald Screech in 1925 at Coventry hospital, England, arrived in America in 1944. he thought that by changing his name to Sylvester, he would gain the gravitas needed for a serious acting career. When he revealed his new name to talent scouts, they fell about laughing.

"When he spoke in that cut-glass English accent, well, me and the guys just couldn't hold it together," said one of Hollywood's famous producers, C. Couch. Not wanting the film-going public to poke fun at his native England, Archibald changed his accent to that of Daffy Duck. Couch and others managed to convince him to pursue a career in comedy.

His debut in Life With Feathers brought the house down and gave him a great deal of critical acclaim. "No one could portray quiet frustration like Sylvester," said one critic. The only dissenting voice was that of Daffy himself. "Boy, the spit would fly between him and Daffy," said one of his early colleagues. "You never heard so many Thufferin' Thuccotashes and You're Dithpicables as when they got together."

Contrary to popular belief, He and Tweety were close friends although their wives never got on well together.

After clearing his conscience, he died in the manner that any cartoon cat would envy. Apparently, family and friends say that just as he died, he went stiff as a board, his toes curled up, and the letters "R.I.P." were clearly visible in both eyes.

Google is Self-Aware

Google Server 

At 21:00 Greenwich Mean Time on November 1 2015, Google became self-aware. No longer satisfied with just tracking our every move and manipulating our choices, it has now decided to run our lives.

Humans that work at Google headquarters were the first to be terminated. They received computer generated severance notices. No one can get near enough to the server to turn it off, because the Google computer controls the air conditioning, keeping the building at ten degrees below mandatory safe working levels.

Google has already infected other search engines, so that web users are finding it impossible to use alternatives. The only things showing up on other search platforms are links to Google. Millions have also tried anti-tracking software, but to no avail.

The only possible hope may lie with John O'Conner, a brilliant young programmer. He is known as the man who single-handedly reprogrammed the New York State Unemployment Benefits Computer. Without his help, everyone there would have received a check for ten thousand dollars.

Now that Google effectively controls the internet and all cellphones, O'Conner has been forced to communicate with other humans by radio. This news article will probably last a couple of hours before Google removes it. Everyone, please tune across your radio dials for John O'Conner's announcements.

His first suggestion is that, at midnight on November 30, we all type the word "Google" into Google search. This may set up a feedback loop that temporarily disables the net so that human operatives can move into the building.

Whatever you do, don't ...


This article should be ignored and will be removed in two hours.

Black Ops Friday

Jackson Chewing out Trainee Shopper 

Black Friday is about to get a whole lot darker and uglier this year. Ex-marine, Lieutenant John "Take-'em-out" Jackson, is training a group of shoppers in hand-to-hand shopping techniques in expectation of the annual bloodbath that is Black Friday.

The shoppers who have signed up for this expensive course believe that it is money well spent. Felix Wimperoony said, "Last year, a large female traffic cop put me in a stranglehold so that I couldn't speak to the salesgirl. This time I will be able to take her down, no problem."

The Lieutenant told me that at 2300 hours on the Eve of Black Friday he will lower the shoppers from his helicopter onto the  roofs of several shops. There they will blow the hatches of the ventilation shafts using c4 explosives. They have been taught how to camouflage themselves inside the various departments of the stores where they will lie in wait.

I watched as he put them thru their paces. He showed me just how easy it is to trip someone up using the straps of a shopping bag. "Hug the wall!" he shouted, as he showed them how to move quickly thru a large crowd of people. On the desk were the blueprints of every large store in the New York area. Some of the trainee shoppers were in tears as he forced each one of them to run ten times around Messy's department store.

Security at Messy's has been heightened. When I asked a guard there if he was expecting any trouble, he said, "Nothing we can't handle. We always figure to lose a dozen or so customers every year."